The Plot

by Roger Bunce

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Biblical Epics were fashionable at the time. As a connoisseur of such films, I knew that a good Epic should contain all the following: - grand ceremonial pageantry (with a cast of thousands); a spectacular battle (also with a cast of thousands); a gladiator combat or chariot race (watched by a crowd of thousands) and preferably some earth-shattering cataclysm, causing the deaths of thousands e.g. the eruption of Vesuvius, the Great Fire of Rome, Noah’s Flood, the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah, the sinking of Atlantis, etc. I decided to join all these essential ingredients together in a story order that was largely pilfered from "The Colossus of Rhodes" (a trashy dubbed Italian B movie, utterly spoiled by its imported American star, which I thoroughly enjoyed). We would start with the pageantry, in the coronation of a wicked King. Goody rebels would try to depose him but he would defeat them in a spectacular battle. The surviving goodies would be sentenced to fight as gladiators in the arena, but would break free. The whole thing would end in a cataclysmic earthquake, in which we could kill off the villain and most of the other characters, without bothering to bring their storylines to any sort of logical conclusion.

So, nothing too ambitious for a bunch of schoolboys with an amateur camera and almost zero budget.

Attila the Hun (David Willey), rightful ruler of Mottingham, hears that his wicked kinsman Minos (Dave Line) is about to usurp his throne. Attila hurries home, hoping to prevent the coronation. But his haste is thwarted when he arrives at the railway station and finds that it has been closed by Dr. Beeching (contemporary political satire!). He snaps his fingers and cries, "Curses foiled!"

Main Title, "MINOS of Mottingham". Dyslexic that I am, I’d done the "N" back-to-front. No one seemed to notice until the film came back from processing. By then we couldn’t be bothered to film it again.

The royal car drives down the Mall (actually the road through Greenwich Park, which has a similar pink tarmac). It approaches the cathedral (actually the large church on Blackheath). Owing to Keith stopping and restarting the camera during a minor traffic hold-up, a car travelling in the opposite direction appeared to disappear mysteriously in the middle of the shot. David Parris narrates in his best Richard Dimbleby voice. Leaving the car, the Royal family walk towards the cathedral. They continue straight past the cathedral to a small tent.

The Royal Family subsequently appear on the palace balcony. Minos begins his speech. "Friends, Romans, Countrymen! Unaccustomed as I am to public speaking …" A gaggle of local yobs had gathered below, shouting and gesturing. They were duly added to the film.

The Dastardly Plot.

Having illicitly obtained the throne of Mottingham, Minos now plots to expand his empire – Grove Park, Downham, Catford, Forest Hill – and, tomorrow, the World! He summons his henchmen to a clandestine meeting, to discuss his plans for world domination. But there is one dissenting voice. The pious Archbishop Baal will have nothing to do with such villainy. He storms out of the meeting.

As Baal leaves the building he is confronted by Anubis (Alan Boyd in dark glasses and a fez) and the others henchmen, all armed to the teeth. There is a fusillade of gunfire, including a couple of cannons. When it is over, nothing remains of Baal but a pair of smouldering boots (a comedy image frequently used in Michael Bentine’s "It’s a Square World" programme). We used an old pair of football boots, so that Richard didn’t have to take his shoes off. No one seemed to notice that Baal hadn’t been wearing football boots before he was shot.

Roger Bunce writes: This still shows Richard Morris reading a copy of The Eagle. Last time I was at the British Library, I couldn’t resist getting out the Eagle for 1963 and trying to trace that front cover (Yes, I really am that sad). I found it, but the date was a surprise. I’d expected it to be in June or July. In fact it was 9th November 1963! So, unless Richard got an advance copy via a time-warp, we must have shot Minos in the autumn term, not the summer term

known for scripting purposes as "The Anarchist Raid", because of my own anarchist tendencies and because I liked to imagine the barbarian tribes of ancient times as proto-anarchists, whose role in sacking stagnant, moribund civilizations was a necessary historical dynamic.

Together Attila and Genghis launch a traditional barbarian sack-and-pillage type raid on Minos’ capital. They chop down such London landmarks as Nelson’s Column and the Monument, accompanied by Keith’s sound effects record of lumberjacks felling trees. The rank and file of our barbarian horde consisted of one toy Viking – a short, hairy one with a horned helmet and big nose – being pulled along on a piece of cotton. At one point he drives his spear through a cardboard cut-out of Big Ben. Whether any of our viewers understood why there were shots of a toy Viking charging about at this point in the film is unclear, but it always got a laugh. Pictures of hairy Vikings with horned helmets and big noses subsequently featured in much of our publicity.

The Battle

Angered by the raid, Minos declares all-out war against Attila and Genghis Khan.This was the scene we filmed first. An announcement was made over the school Tannoy system inviting anyone who wanted to take part in a pitched battle to assemble in Beckenham Place Park that evening. A motley assortment of the more bloodthirsty elements from the lower school joined us at the rendezvous. And they brought their own weapons – bless them. It wasn’t exactly a cast of thousands but what they lacked in numbers they made up for in warlike enthusiasm. Just as we were about to start filming, we found a troop of boy scouts standing in the back of the shot. They had come for a walk in the park but seemed to have no more specific plans. They eagerly accepted our invitation to join in the battle.

I had made myself a cylindrical helmet from black cardboard. The top was serrated and flapped open, as though someone had taken a tin-opener to it. I armed myself with a spiky club of Herculean proportions (actually it was our bathroom loofah, to which I had added cardboard spikes).We filmed all the obvious battle jokes.Standing at the front of his army, Genghis Khan orders them to charge. They charge, knocking him flat as they do so. The two armies charge towards one another. They miss and charge straight past each other.After that, things degenerated into a general mêlée. Genghis Khan rampages across the battlefield, dealing death with his lethal loofah (and thoroughly enjoying myself).In the aftermath of the battle, Minos and Genghis Khan come face to face. They fight a duel. Minos is armed with a boomerang, Genghis with a cap gun. They stand back to back, walk ten paces apart, turn and then – Genghis throws the gun at Minos and Minos shoots him with the boomerang (such was the standard of our humour).

The Studio

For those who didn’t follow the more subtle strategies of our apparently chaotic battle, we now go to the television studio, where military expert Sir Brian Pollux (Bob Freeman), will explain everything with the aid of a large map (Sir Brian Horrocks was TV’s military historian of the period). This was our excuse to do all the things-going-wrong-in-a-TV-studio jokes, e.g. presenter being hit over the head by the microphone boom; scenery falling over to reveal a technician drinking a cup of tea (a guest appearance by producer Keith Patrick), etc.

Back at the Palace

Minos’ daughter Cleopatra (Pat Hart) arrives at the door to be admitted by a sinister butler, played by a cardboard cut-out of Alfred Hitchcock with a moveable mouth. Indoors, the Royal Family are sitting on the royal sofa, watching the TV broadcast. They are trying to decide what to do with their prisoners. Both Attila and Genghis Khan have been wounded, but captured alive. The wicked Queen Jezebel (Diane Robinson) suggests suitably wicked forms of execution: boiling in oil, keelhauling through a sewer, etc. Cleopatra says she likes the look of Genghis Khan. Eventually, Minos decides that his enemies must die fighting as gladiators in the arena.

Keith Patrick knew of an old wartime fortification on the Isle of Grain, which looked remarkably like a Roman amphitheatre. David Parris, now using his sports commentator voice, christened it, "The Coliseum, Penge." Our vast crowd of spectators numbered about five. Even so Pollux, equipped with football scarf, woolly hat and rattle, manages to seat himself directly behind Minos and has to ask him to remove his crown.

The rebels reach the top of the steps. Cleopatra and Genghis Khan are united. They run away together.

The Earthquake

Cleopatra and Genghis Khan run half way around the world, to the antipodes. They climb down, off the world, onto Atlas (David Parris), the mythological giant who, as we all know, supports the world on his shoulders (unless you subscribe to the four elephants on a turtle theory). Clambering down over Atlas’ shoulder, they tickle him. He starts to giggle and tremble, shaking the world as he does so, thus causing cataclysmic storms and earthquakes.

THE END